I Thought I Would Crumble

My heart is full.

We just spent the weekend visiting our college freshman, and seeing him so happy and completely in his element was the sweetest gift.

Launching a child is hard. And for me to admit that is huge.

My family likes to joke that I don’t have feelings. I’m business and checklists. Everything is black or white, right or wrong. Handle it. Fix it. Get it done. Who has time for feelings?

Apparently, I do.

I spent most of his junior and senior years getting emotional over every “first last.” The final seasons, senior nights, family trips, school traditions, celebrations and milestones - it felt as though every event carried a quiet reminder that this chapter was ending.

By graduation, even the ordinary summer gatherings with his lifelong friends - and with the moms who had become some of my favorite people - tore me up a little more.

I was convinced I would crumble when we left him at college. I worried about how our home would feel without him. I worried about his siblings. I pictured myself sobbing through move-in and all the way home.

But that isn’t what happened.

We moved him in, set up his room, spent time with his roommate and family, and then said, “We love you. See you soon.”

And I was fine.

He was happy. He was ready. And we had done all we could do.

We raised him to know and love Jesus. We taught him to respect others, work hard, value a good education and appreciate the opportunities he has been given. We certainly didn’t do it perfectly, but God graciously placed teachers, coaches, friends and families around him to help fill the gaps.

He had dreamed about this chapter for years, and now it was unfolding right in front of him. I could see that he was ready - and because he was okay, I was okay too.

Honestly, I hear from him more now than I did when he lived at home. He texts, snaps and even calls sometimes - every day. I know he is thriving, and because of that, I am too.

This weekend, we met his new friends, watched all four of my kids fall easily back into their rhythm and saw how genuinely excited he was to have us there. Yes, he is definitely living the life of a college student, and the mom in me still has her reservations. But I also see evidence that his roots are strong.

He shared that the guys around him are open about their faith. That little glimpse was enough encouragement to balance some of my concern about everything else.

I will continue to pray for his protection, his decisions and the person he is becoming. But I don’t have to carry the weight of constant worry.

I’ve laid that at the feet of the Lord.

And now I can look at my boy with a full heart - so proud of who he is becoming, so grateful that he is thriving and so excited for everything still ahead of him.❤️

abide & flourish